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If you don't like this article, this is your favourite character


Last time, I said that Ken Fighter IV had great defensive mechanisms and a wide range of characters which served to balance the overwhelming number of online players who picked Ken... oh wait, did I just call it "Ken Fighter IV"? Sorry, it must have slipped out. You see, I've gone partially insane from fighting Ken in Street Fighter IV so many times, and now all I can think of is how much I hate Ken.

Actually, I don't hate Ken. I don't hate Ken Fighter IV either. It's still a lot better than Metal Gear Solid 4, and all the compliments I gave it are still true. Great game at heart. What I hate is humanity, and the heart of humanity.

It's true that SFIV has a wide selection of characters, and that the highly skilled players serve to demonstrate how skillful and well balanced the game is. Playing with any number of combinations is challenging and interesting online, with the exception of any fight involving Ken, which, as this helpful flow chart perfectly illustrates, is horribly lame. But Summer Break has just begun across North America, and apparently that means Street Fighter IV is now flooded with a higher ratio of Ken players than scientists initially predicted possible.

So in the spirit of charts, here's another one for you:

Street Fighter 4 Fun Ken Chart

As you can clearly see, the game is 100% fun as long as there are no Ken fights. However, by the time 50% of your fights are against Ken, the fun has dropped down to about 25%. Note that this is regardless of your win ratio or time spent playing; a short losing streak against Vega and Sakura is still 100% fun, while a long winning streak against 75% Ken players is still 0% fun. This is because Ken players — unlike any other type of player — are stupid pieces of shit who need to be strangled in their sleep.

Sure you can meet the occassional Zangief noob who just spams the L2 "lariat" like a retard and thinks that "mixing it up" consists of doing a jumping punch; or perhaps a spam-happy Akuma who likes to teleport backwards and launch those gay red fireballs; but at least these players know they're being dicks. They don't sit back and think: "Whew! Another hard won battle of skill and wit! I can't wait until my next challenging battle!" Oh, and Sagat players too. What makes Ken players so annoying is that they are oblivious to their own shittitude. Their eyes are closed to even the possibility of abusing another 'easy mode' character, sheltered in a cocoon of naïve determination.


Revised Conclusion

If I'm being honest, playing SFIV online can easily give you the distinct feeling that you have paid for satellite TV so you can watch your favourite show, but every time you tune in there are 4/5th commercials. Except you can't just illegally download the torrent of the show, and the DVD will never come out.

Still better than Metal Gear Online, mind you.


July 1, 2009

All original content © Terry Wolfe, 2008. Metal Gear, Metal Gear Solid and all related logos, characters, artwork, etc. © KONAMI CORPORATION
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