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The Electronic Entertainment Exposition is probably still the most important showcase for the videogame industry today, where the "Big 3" console manufacturers can wage open war in the public eye, spinning and being spun by symmetrically boring propaganda. So once a year we sit down and judge whether there's going to be anything good coming out in the near future. This time, however, it goes something like this...

Lt. Snake: "I heard there was a war going on, so I came here
hoping to use my awesome knife. But when I found out it was something called a 'console war' I knew my experience in Operation 747 couldn't help me.

"But they don't call me the man who can make the impossible possible for nothing! Like everything else I do, my rating process is simple and effective. It's called the Garbage/Knife System, and it's guaranteed to get the job done.

"Let's get started."

Project Navel

What a stupid idea. Does Microsoft really think that people want to see their own clumsy ass falling around the living room, graceless and gay? Hell, most gamers don't even have a living room, just a cramped corner of their mom's basement.

Oh, and let's not forget that this shit will never work, and any games that are made for it will also be garbage.

Assassin's Creed II

Look at this trailer. Those graphics are perfectly realistic! I had no idea that kind of technology existed, but that's what makes E3 so amazing. This game is totally knife: the main character uses two secret knives (which is better than a regular knife) and apparently likes to hunt faggy aristocrats all the time.

This game makes me remember my glory days on the battlefield.

Halo: Reach More like "Halo: Reach-Around", am I right? I can already tell this game will be garbage, because it's not a numbered sequel and is being pumped out by the same starving cluster of bondage slaves who Microsoft has been whipping for a decade. Halo 3 was hyped up more than the 1964 lunar landing, and yet it turned out to be a 50 minute tutorial on what a churned-out and formulaic pile of shit looks like.
Metal Gear Solid: Rising More like "Metal Gear Solid: Rising Fart Fumes", am I right? What did I just say about non-numbered sequels being pumped out? Sure it's a different team, but that's what makes it garbage. Kojima isn't directing it, and they've already said it's an experiment to see how much money they can suck out of Xbox owners. The MGS series is already dead thanks to #4, and this is a turd on its coffin.
Wii Fit Plus

Surprised? Most people probably don't think this game is knife, but that's only because they didn't know that I used a secret prototype of it back in 1988 to bulk up for my Operation 747 role in the hit videogame "Snake's Revenge". Thanks to this baby's specific workout plan I was able to forge my massive, rotund left pec muscle into the gleaming symbol of masculinity that you see today.

Final Fantasy XXIVII Online

"Eorzea"? "Under the eldritch veil of a crimson shadow"? Automatic garbage status for whatever this ends up being. Why can't Square just make another Final Fantasy Tactics for Playstation 1 and release it as a downloadable? All this massive multiplayer nonsense is making me massively uninterested.

Gran Turismo PSP

Hell yes this game is knife. I hate racing games in general, but this is an utterly gorgeous, fully-fledged installment with 32 tracks and tons of vehicles, which can be swapped and collected like pokemon or some shit. If 1/20th of every game on the PSP was this high quality I would have bought one a long time ago, and if they add knives I will buy this one.

Super Mario Galaxy 2 Flying through outer space and running upside-down are two things that videogames are lacking nowadays, and if there's anybody I want to do it as it's my buddy Mario. Maybe the game isn't that great, but after playing through Metal Gear Solid 4 for the sixth time I started to forget what "colors" were, and this helps me remember.
Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker I don't care how many times Kojima says that this is not a spinoff, that's exactly what it is — and I would know! Maybe if Portable Ops hadn't already strangled and molested the Big Boss storyline I would be eager to play it, but it will need to do some genuinely impressive storytelling and gameplay before I'll plop down any money for it. Garbage.
PSP Go Instead of producing a new PSP, Sony should have simply cut the PSP price dramatically and bundled it with Gran Turismo PSP. Spending $270 on a handheld device is stupid, no matter what it is... Except if it's a bomb detonator or something. Or a really really sweet knife...
Heavy Rain Yuck. Have you seen this shit? It tries to be both a movie and a game, but it fails at both. The endless boring-ass cutscenes look the same as every other shiny gray and brown flop on the market, and the gameplay is the worse than non-existant... it's quick time! No satisfaction, no creativity, and no challenge — it lacks the three elements of good gaming. Talk about garbage.
God of War III

I haven't played any of the God of War games, but I hear they have quick time events as well. The difference between this and Heavy Rain, however, is that this an action game with quick time events, whereas that is a boring movie with quick time events.

Plus you can't really argue with duel Lion's Head-Fist Gloves.

Metroid: Other M

GAAARRRBAAAAGE. I heard all this hype about a new Metroid game, and then I see this bullshit. Where's the appeal? Am I the only one who thinks it looks like that god-awful Beast Wars show? There must be something I'm missing here. Maybe some nerds just love playing as a woman?

Booth Babes Remember when E3 was rated 18+ and booth babes were literally oiled up and naked? Well, they're gone now. And yet for some reason every videogame site still has a special section for them.
Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time Despite having a name that's too long, this game kind of looks cool. The last one got rave reviews, and its another one of those games that seems to have fun, and enjoy olf-fashioned stuff like colors and imagination. And while there is a danger of any good series running out of fuel, this one looks like it's still got some knife left in its tank.

So, that's that for E3 2009! If Lt. Snake missed anything,
you can feel free to take it up with his massive pecs.


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